May 29th, 2003
WWE Champion: Brock Lesnar (since 3/30/03)
WWE Tag Team Champions: Eddie Guerrero & Tajiri (since 5/18/03)
WWE Cruserweight Champion: Matt Hardy (since 2/23/03)
It’s weird, but Raw has been so much better than Smackdown recently that I’m already a month ahead on Raw’s as I’m watching this. Obviously still releasing the reviews in order, but man. Going back to Smackdown after the last month of Raw is painful. Which is weird as fuck, like I said before considering Smackdown is largely the better product at this time. I think just having Vince and this Mr. America / Hogan / Piper shit is weighing Smackdown down. Anyways, onto the show!
TONIGHT: Brock Lesnar & The Undertaker vs. FBI
Things open with the cover girl of the new edition of Raw magazine… Sable. Sable asks “what would Smackdown be without me?” and then turns her attention to Tazz and asks if he missed her. She’s here to introduce the participants in the next match.
1) Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia (w/ Jamie Noble)
Sable introduces Torrie as from “loserville, usa weighing way too much” .. jesus. They show Zach Gowan in the crowd before the match starts.. UGH GO AWAY BRUH. Torrie shoves Noble off the apron and gets a roll up for a near fall on Nidia to start. Torrie starts WORKIN THE LEG but things soon fall apart as they end up rolling around with referee Mike Sparks. Sparks poses on the turnbuckle and the crowd goes wild. What in the world. Torrie catches Nidia in a flash pin for the victory.
Match rating - *1/4
Things get worse after the match. Or funnier. Depending on how you look at it. Tazz attacks Jamie Noble for some fucking reason, Torrie pulls Nidia’s shorts off, Sable throws water on Tazz, and Torrie chases Sable with a water bottle. Smackdown, baby!!
Mr. McMahon arrives in a limo. He tells his driver to wait around because it won’t take him long to do this… lie detector test. UGH I FORGOT ABOUT THIS.
Back from commercial, they're testing out the lie detector machine on Stephanie McMahon backstage in her office.
Benjamin & Haas are shown walking toward the ring down the hall. Meanwhile, Guerrero & Tajiri are in their locker room getting ready for their title defense later. Guerrero says Tajiri is starting to look more like familia. Tajiri hands Guerrero some keys and Guerrero says “U GOT WHEELS ESE?”
2) Eddie Guerrero & Tajiri (c) vs. Team Angle (Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas) - WWE Tag Team Title Match
Fuckkkkk this ruled so much. I love this pairing and I love Benjamin & Haas. Just phenomenal TV tag team wrestling. Benjamin & Haas storm Eddie at the bell and cut off the ring as always. Tajiri ends up working as the face in peril. They target the knee of Tajiri and the selling rules is prominent until the very end of the match. Eddie gets the hot tag and it is HOT. They have an awesome ass final 5 minutes to top off that amazing heat segment. Haas has Tajiri in the Haas of Pain leg lock thing. The bell rings, but Tajiri never tapped. Turns out, it was Eddie using it to distract the ref & fool Haas. Eddie brings the belt in the ring and makes it look like Haas hit him with it so the ref calls for the DQ so Guerrero & Tajiri retain. God Eddie rocks and this match rocks.
Match rating - ***3/4
Mr. McMahon is out next for the lie detector test with Mr. America because naturally we can’t have two good things in a row in May 2003 Smackdown. The best part of this is Hogan asking for water and McMahon saying “GO AHEAD! DRINK IT! DRINK WATER TIL YOURE WATERLOGGED!” Lmao. Anyways. Mr. America passes the test even when they ask if he’s Hulk Hogan and he says no. McMahon thinks this shit is rigged so he gets set up on the detector. They ask him basic questions and he passes them Mr. America asks if he’s the biggest asshole on gods green earth and McMahon says no and the machine says he’s lying LMAO. They do this sort of thing a couple times with different scenarios and it’s funny. This wasn’t as terrible as I anticipated even if the storyline sucks. Mr. America leaves and Zach Gowan is shown happy as hell in the crowd.
Stephanie is in her office and Vince shows up and slaps shit off her desk. He starts yelling about how he was made an ass of out there. He blames her for hiring the detectives and Mr. America. Vince is beginning to wonder what’s going on around here and says that things are gonna change next week.
3) Chris Benoit vs. Sean O’Haire
So, Benoit makes O’Haire look halfway decent and that makes him deserving a loss to this fucking bozo. Ugh. Fuck Smackdown in May of the year two thousand and three.
Match rating - **
Rey Mysterio gets his cruserweight title shot against Matt Hardy next week. He’s backstage and cuts a promo to hype the match. He says next week in Anaheim, California ON THE WEST COAST—- Matt Hardy walks up and cuts him off. Hardy says he’s already beat him once at Mania and next week he’s gonna beat his ass in front of all his amigos, it won’t matter how much they chant his name. REY SLAPS HARDY OH SHIT. Hardy kicks Rey in the groin and damn, I’m hyped as fuck for this.
ULTIMO DRAGON VIDEO PACKAGE ~~
4) The Basham Brothers (Doug & Danny Basham) vs. Rikishi & Spanky
THE BASHAMS. Fuck, y’all. We are getting into the prime of my nostalgia so I’m gonna warn you again that my childhood memories in wrestling was largely in 2004-2007 so some stuff that may suck may be much more enjoyable to me than most. The BASHAMS are likely gonna be a prime example. They were a prominent team on Smackdown when I was heavily watching at 8-9 years old and I hate several of their action figures so seeing them pop up and debut here made me stoked. Plus they’re facing King Spanky. So this was enjoyable for me despite being nothing all too special. The Bashams get a short control segment on Spanky then Rikishi hops in with the hot tag. He puts his ass in the face of Doug & Danny. Man, they really gave those two the most generic white person names ever, lol. They steal the win using the ropes here.
Match rating - **
Back in the parking lot, Vince’s limo is being towed because it was parked in a handicap zone. Vince says he still needs to get to the airport so they’re gonna tow him there LMAO. Zach Gowan walks up and pokes fun at Vince as they pull off. Vince starts yelling for them to stop cause he’s gonna beat Zach’s little ass.
5) Brock Lesnar & The Undertaker vs. The Big Show, Chuck Palumbo, & Johnny Stamboli
Nunzio says he can’t compete and adds Big Show to the match last minute as a replacement. This is a good main event. You get all the usual heel work from the Show/FBI unit and it’s great. Brock is isolated for a minute and triple teamed. Taker finally gets in after trying to over and over and he clears house. Things break down and Brock starts taking everyone out. He gets caught by Show though and gets chokeslammed for the three count. FBI & Show stand tall to close the show.
Match rating - **3/4