August 11th, 2003
World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H (since 12/15/02)
Intercontinental Champion: Christian (since 8/10/03)
World Tag Team Champions: La Resistance (since 6/15/03)
WWE Women's Champion: Molly Holly (since 7/28/03)
Commentators - Jerry Lawler & Jonathan Coachman
This is the first episode of Raw on SPIKE TV.
Eric Bischoff opens the show and he replays everything that went down last week. As he’s bragging about beating Shane, JIM ROSS RETURNS. JR comes to the ring and says he’s pressing charges on Bischoff for what happened to him during the Kane interview. Stone Cold comes out and says the only way JR won’t sue Bischoff is if he signs a contract for a match tonight. Eric agrees to avoid the lawsuit, but he didn’t read the fine print.. tonight, Bischoff is contracted to face Kane!
1) Scott Steiner & Stacy Keibler vs. Rico & Jackie
This is fine while it lasts which isn’t long. Test runs through the crowd and Steiner follows him into the crowd for a brawl. This distraction allows Rico & Jackie to pick up the win.
Match rating - *1/4
After the match, Steiner says THIS IS BULLSHIT. He is tired of Test following him around and wants him one on one right now. Test is down, but not right now.. next week and with one stipulation - winner gets Stacy Keibler. Jesus Christ. Stacy says they’re in and Steiner says Test’s ass is his next week.
Backstage, Ric Flair and Randy Orton are talking. Triple H walks up and says now more than ever they need to stick together. H complains about the Elimination Chamber Match and Orton says Hunter isn’t alone in the match because he’s fighting to defend his title as well. H says now they need to turn their attention to tonight when Ric faces Goldberg. H says everyone’s been screwing them, now it’s time for them to screw with everyone else.
Back from commercial, Kane arrives in his van again LOL. This shit is getting kinda humorous more than scary or ominous.
2) The Dudley Boyz vs. La Resistance
This never even starts. La Resistance attack The Dudleyz from behind with the American flag and it calls for the disqualification after an extended assault.
Backstage, Goldust runs into Molly Holly. Lance Storm walks up in Goldust face paint as part of his transition into being less boring. He reads a script Goldust wrote for him and says “congratulations on your huge ass— ass—- ass..” he’s trying to say ascension, but is stuttering. Molly slaps the shit out of him.
Kevin Nash and Shawn Michaels are talking in the hallway. They start slightly arguing on who’s gonna walk out of the Chamber as World Champion and here comes Goldberg. He thanks them for the help last week, but says at SummerSlam.. he plans on walking out as champion. Shawn gets in his face about it and Nash joins him.
3) Christian (c) vs. Spike Dudley - Intercontinental Championship Match
Christian comes out to Booker T’s theme music. Last night at a house show, Christian defeated Booker T to regain the IC Title. He cuts a promo on it before lil Spike rolls out for this big opportunity. Spike gets some great nearfalls here and the crowd is with him cause ya gotta leave the underdog baby. Christian’s also just such a great piece of shit at this time. DOUBLE STOMP FROM SPIKE FOR TWO. Christian ends him soon after, though. Fun little match.
Match rating - **1/4
Backstage, Kane comes out of the police van and Bischoff walks up and tries to talk Kane into laying down for him by praising all the crazy shit he’s done recently and saying they make a great team. Eric even offers to just lay down for Kane. Kane says NO because tonight we are doing things HIS WAY not Eric’s way.
Back from commercial, JR rejoins the commentary team and basically forces Coach to leave and give his spot back.
4) Eric Bischoff vs. Kane
“Here comes hell.” -Jim Ross
In 2022, as I write this, I don’t know who I hate more. Both of these two are real life fucking losers. Not to go off on that tangent, but it had to be said. Bischoff tries to lay down for Kane. Kane picks him up and god this is the most amazing call from Jim Ross.
“CHOKESLAM HIM! CHOKESLAM HIM TO HELL! CHOKESLAM HIM! CHOKESLAM HIM… GOD DAMMIT DO IT!!!!”
Kane drops him, though and JR ceases his aneurysm. Kane lets Bischoff win via countout as JR & King complain and ask what the hell is going on. Kane gets on the mic and says he didn’t destroy Bischoff because he knows that’s what the people want. And he’s only doing what he wants nowadays. Rob Van Dam runs down to try to attack Kane and gets some good offense in using a chair. He sets Kane up for a frog splash on a chai, but Kane and Van Dam EATS SHIT. Damn.
5) Molly Holly (c) vs. Trish Stratus vs. Gail Kim - Womens Title Match
Ok, I’ll be honest. I forgot what happened here so I’m sure it wasn’t much. Molly retains.
Match rating - I DONT KNOW
Backstage, Steve Austin informs Bischoff that the part of the contract he didn’t read earlier is that the winner of he & Kane goes onto SummerSlam to face Shane McMahon.. so at SummerSlam, it’s Shane vs Eric AND THATS THE BOTTOM LINE.
6) The Hurricane vs. Rodney Mack
Rodney is coming out to the classic Teddy Long theme music. I guess this was originally supposed to be Rodney’s theme. Interesting. Rodney largely dominates this, Hurricane fires back and hits a high crossbody for a surprise three count.
Match rating - *1/2
After the match, Rodney attacks Hurricane, but Rosey runs down for the save. Hurricane & Rosey hit their pose again as JR shifts to footage hyping the Elimination Chamber Match coming up at SummerSlam.
Next up, we have The Highlight Reel. Chris Jericho starts talking about how sexy he is and ends up being interrupted by Kevin Nash. Nash pulls up pictures of Jericho with different hairstyles on the JERITRON 5000. This stems from Jericho challenging Nash to a hair versus hair match last week. This was before the Chamber match was announced, but Nash still wants the match and challenges Jericho. Jericho accepts when threatened by Nash with a pair of clippers. Jericho vs. Nash next week in a hair versus hair match. Things break down when Jericho tells Nash to leave and attacks him from behind. Nash pulls out clippers when he gets the upper hand and Jericho sprays him with a fire extinguisher and escapes.
Ric Flair and his special ref for the night, Randy Orton, are walking backstage. Flair and Goldberg collide next!
7) Ric Flair vs. Goldberg - Special Referee: Randy Orton
You know how this goes. It’s apparently no DQ on top of the special ref being Orton. Flair hits Goldberg with brass knuckles at the bell, but only for a two count. Goldberg recovers and Orton counts slow as fuck for him so Goldberg goes after him. The numbers are against him and Flair ends up locking Goldberg in the figure four. Orton kicks Goldberg off the ropes when he makes it to them, then pulls on Flair to give him extra leverage. This is just a mess and Shawn runs in and super kicks Orton to even the odds. Goldberg jackhammers Flair and then Shawn counts the three with Orton’s hand. I’m not rating this, lmao.