WWE Monday Night Raw
September 1st, 2003
World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H (since 12/15/02)
Intercontinental Champion: Christian (since 8/10/03)
World Tag Team Champions: La Resistance (since 6/15/03)
WWE Women's Champion: Molly Holly (since 7/28/03)
Replays of Shane killing Kane via arson last week. Yeah, man. It’s 03 baby.
Jerry Lawler is out first for his match with Jonathan Coachman. God help us all.
1) Jerry “The King” Lawler vs. Jonathan Coachman
Coach arrives looking like a fucking asshole. Texas Longhorns Jersey, hat backwards and sun shades. They lock up and trade holds for a bit before god damn Al Snow shows up. This is so bizarre. But it is Raw 2003, after all. He jaws at Coach as the match continues saying he’s embarrassing Sunday Night Heat, they are broadcast colleagues on that show. Snow offers to throw in the towel. Coach storms out and SHOWS SOME FIRE. Coach shoves him and says I DONT NEED YOUR HELP I CAN BEAT HIM. Lawler comes out and throws Coach back in and BY GOD AL SNOW ATTACKS LAWLER AND ROLLS HIM IN. COACH WINS HAHAAHAH.
Match rating - man, I’m not rating this shit but what a blast
Backstage, Terri walks up to Shane McMahon. She asks Shane if he’s concerned that when the fire cleared last week, Kane was nowhere to be found. Shane simply says “I hope that bastard is still burning.” This show is so bad that it’s phenomenal.
Back from commercial, Al Snow and Coach are hugging and celebrating their victory. Eric Bischoff joins them and up walks STONE COLD BY GOD. Austin asks Coach if he’s proud of himself and says that since he thinks he’s so special, he’s got something just for him.
Austin heads toward the ring where the highlight reel is set up. No Jericho in there, though. Austin throws out all the furniture and announces Jonathan Coachman vs. Jim Ross for Unforgiven as well as Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels. Next, he announces a huge trios main event… Orton/H/Flair vs. HBK/Goldberg/Maven. LETS GOOOOO. Chris Jericho comes out to interrupt and he’s soon followed by Christian so Austin makes a match between them next.
2) Christian (c) vs. Chris Jericho - Intercontinental Championship Match
This was fun! Christian is on a roll with these TV matches lately and Jericho is on point. They both try to outcheat each other to win. Jericho tries to use the ropes, but the ref sees it and Christian reverses and uses the ropes out of the ref’s sight for the win to retain the title.
Match rating - ***
Backstage, Triple H/Goldberg hype. H says he’s ready to get his hands on Goldberg because he’s all talk. H says he’s going to end Goldberg at Unforgiven because he’s the KING OF KINGS. Did that originate here?
3) Trish Stratus & Ivory vs. Gail Kim & Molly Holly
“Do you think Trish Stratus has a VCR?” -Jerry Lawler
Ok ladies, go off. This was good and chaotic, but not the sloppy chaotic.. they held this together super well. Insane finishing move by Gail and Holly with this sort of assisted powerbomb thing on Trish off the top fucking turnbuckle. DAMN. The champion and her… friend? get the victory.
Match rating - **1/2
Shane O’ Mac walks up on Vince McMahon in the parking lot. He asks why he’s here. Vince says he’s here because he’s concerned for his safety and wants to clear the air between them. Shane says if he’s so concerned, we’ll see how concerned he & everyone else is when he heads to the ring.
Back from commercial, Shane McMahon hits the ring. He says everyone is spooked that something bad is gonna happen to him so if somethings gonna happen, he wants it to happen right now. He stands around for a minute and nothing happens. Eric Bischoff comes out and echoes the sentiments of everyone else. Shane asks Eric if he didn’t get enough at SummerSlam. Eric threatens to get in the ring and HERE COMES KANE. He attacks Shane and chains him to the ring post. Kane brings out jumper cables and a battery and hooks them to Shane’s dick and starts sparking them off. JESUS H CHRIST. Kane is enjoying this shit and ROB VAN DAM HITS THE RING. Chair shot to Kane, Van Daminator and all oF THAT SHIT. JR goes nuts and calls Van Dam a “badass” as he cleans house. Van Damn starts undoing the handcuffs from Shane and KANE sits up on the floor, but he’s bleeding from the head so he walks off. Fuckin hell.
Backstage, Kane runs up on Eric Bischoff and blames him for what happened so Eric books RVD vs. Kane in a steel cage match for next week on Raw.
4) The Hurricane & Rosey vs. La Resistance (Sylvan Grenier & Rene Dupree)
“Why don’t you drag your ass back to Paris and get yourself a JOB?” -Jim Ross
This is a non title match and Hurricane & Rosey’s first proper one as a team on Raw.. I think? This was fine, but ultimately meant nothing and didn’t last long at all. Rob Conway runs in and cracks Hurricane with one of the tag titles and it allows La Resistance to get the win.
Match rating - 1/2*
After the match, Sylvan Grenier yells for Rene Dupree to get the tables. They start setting one up and here come The Dudley Boys. Bubba & D-Von clean house on La Resistance and put Rob Conway through a table.. sike. I spoke too soon, Grenier & Dupree pull Conway out of the ring before he gets killed.
Backstage, Terri interviews Maven about the biggest match of his YOUNG WWE CAREER later tonight. This segment felt like something straight out of a Smackdown vs. Raw video game. So obviously scripted. From the words to the facial expressions, just inorganic as can be. Ric Flair & Randy Orton walk up and try to psych Maven out.
Back from commercial, Shawn Michaels walks into Maven’s locker room. Shawn says he knows Evolution got into his head, but tonight they’re gonna have fun and he’s gonna prove everyone wrong.
Meanwhile, Teddy Long asks Steve Austin why the brothers got kicked off of Raw. Austin says it’s just business and he walks off and runs into Rob Van Dam. Van Dam wants the Steel Cage Match to open Raw next week because he can’t wait two hours to get his hands on that big son of a bitch. Austin agrees.
5) Victoria & Steven Richards vs. Test & Stacy Keibler - No Disqualification Match
This was fucking HORRIBLE. I’m not even gonna say anything about what happens. It’s just hot garbage. Test turns on Stacy again and Scott Steiner comes down.. WHAT FHE FUCK EVER THIS SHIT IS WORTHLESS AND NEVER ENDS. Somehow Stacy ends up on top of Victoria for the pin.
Match rating - ONE OF THE WORST MATCHES EVER FUCK YOU FOR THIS
6) Evolution (Triple H, Ric Flair, & Randy Orton) vs. Goldberg, Shawn Michaels, & Maven
This was awesome. It isn’t gonna change your life or anything, but just simple great WWE TV trios main event. Maven & Orton start. Michaels ends up being the face in peril. H & Flair do a phenomenal job isolating him from his team and cutting off a ton of hot tag attempts. H taunts Goldberg as he assaults Shawn. Shawn finally gets the tag to Goldberg and the place fucking explodes. Amazing finishing run with Goldberg killing everyone while the rafters rock. LETS FUCKING GO. Jackhammer to Orton for the pin as H looks on from the apron.
Match rating - ***1/4
Jim Ross puts Goldberg over heavily post match saying HE IS ONE STEP BY GOD CLOSER TO UNFORGIVEN and winning the World Title from Triple H.