May 12th, 2003
Commentators: Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross
World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H (since 12/15/02)
World Tag Team Champions: Rob Van Dam & Kane (3/31/03)
WWE Women's Champion: Jazz (since 4/27/03)
The show opens with Christian standing inside the Steel Cage that’s set up for his match with Goldberg. Christian is explaining to Stone Cold why this match shouldn’t happen and OUT COMES AUSTIN. Austin basically says Christian is stupid because 1) the match is later and not right now and 2) there’s no way he’s getting out of being in the match. Christian says Austin passed him in the back earlier and pointed a finger at him so he thought that meant he was up first.. turns out Austin was flipping him the bird LMAO. Hilarious dumb shit with Austin explaining that. This turns into RVD and Kane coming out to talk about the IC Title Battle Royal coming up at Judgement Day on Sunday because Austin threatened to kick Christian out of the match. RVD says he will win the match so Kane comes out and tension gets started between them. Austin breaks up the tension and says a BEER BASH will help with it. Before he can get it going, Eric Bischoff comes out. Lord I miss these ignorant Raw opening segments with an assload of people showing up. Bischoff says no beer bash will be happening tonight, but he is here to raise the bar exactly like he said he would last week. Ironically, it pertains to RVD & Kane because he has a special team they’ve never faced before that they will defend their tag titles against.. right now!
1) Rob Van Dam & Kane (c) vs. Legion of Doom (Road Warrior Hawk & Animal) - World Tag Team Title Match
Wwwwwwwwhhaaaat a ruuuush! Yup. It’s really them. So random, but like, cool. They work this perfectly. Nice and compact so the legends don’t have to do tooooo much. It’s still worked at quite a good pace, though with the action never really slowing down. Van Dam & Kane retain after a few minutes with a chokeslam and a frog splash. Good fun. Crowd popped hard for LoD.
Match rating - **1/2
Backstage, Steven Richards & Victoria start messing with Trish Stratus and getting in her head while she’s getting her makeup done.
Replays of last week’s insane brawl between Triple H and Kevin Nash.
Chris Jericho is in his locker room. Triple H walks up and says today is a special anniversary. The anniversary of last year when Kevin Nash TORE HIS QUAD. God this is hilarious given the jokes that have developed years down the line. Jericho follows up it by saying it’s funny that he’s facing Nash tonight when he’s the one who tore H’s quad two years ago. THE FUCKIN QUADS MAN. H basically is trying to get Jericho to tear Nash’s quad tonight to soften him up for their title match at Judgement Day.. QUADS.
In the parking lot, Goldberg arrives in a limo and opens his door. He goes to get out and a fucking car sideswipes his limo. JR screams “SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO RUN OVER GOLDBERG!!!” Goldberg hops out the other side of the car and starts yelling and storms into the arena. This show is SO RANDOM.
And to continue this fucking insane show pace, Theodore Long is backstage talking to Stone Cold who is holding a Miller Lite. Rodney Mack is jumping around and warming up in the background. Teddy says he has two white boys for Mack to face tonight and then lobbies for Mack to be put in the IC Title Battle Royal at Judgement Day. Austin puts Booker T in the match instead as Rodney’s music hits.
2) Rodney Mack vs. Kenny Dykstra & Mike Phoenix
This is titled.. the DOUBLE WHITE BOY CHALLENGE. They’re billed as the Phoenix brothers, but we all knows it’s Spirit Squad Kenny so I titled him as such. Rodney wins in less than two minutes while Teddy goes nuts on commentary. Yeah man!
Match rating - *
Bischoff is seen in the parking lot storming off from Goldberg’s limo. Jonathan Coachman asks for Bischoff’s comment on what happened. Bischoff says he has no comment. Moments later he walks up on Freddie Blassie in a wheelchair. Freddie calls him a prick and Rico walks up. Rico wants an opportunity for he and 3 Minute Warning to get put back in the groove again. Bischoff looks at Freddie and says he’s got something for Rico later. Oh no..
Goldberg is pacing backstage and kicks some shit and yells. AUSTIN walks up and they have a stare down.
“I DONT WANT NOTHIN FROM YOU. I CAME TO ASK YOU WHAT THE HELLS THE DEAL WITH THAT DAMN CAR?”
This was the most intense conversation ever about who the driver was. And for no reason whatsoever. Fucking hilarious hyper masculine aggressive shit LMAO. I guess they were trying to tease a potential Austin/Goldberg match in case it ever happens but man.. it’s just funny considering it never really led to anything (that I remember at this moment).
Eric Bischoff pushes Freddie Blassie out onto the stage. They plug his book and Bischoff throws in a 3 Minute Warning reference and sure enough.. they show up. Bischoff wheels down Blassie toward them. Before they can do anything, Stone Cold comes out. He announces that he’s reinstated The Dudleyz. Bubba Ray & D-Von come out and tear through Jamal, Rosey, & Rico. Freddie Blassie gets the honor of saying “D-Von, get the tables” and Austin echoes it himself before they get the tables and plant Jamal or Rosey through it, can’t remember which and I ain’t rewinding just for that.
3) Goldberg vs. Christian - Steel Cage Match
This surprised me. It’s an extended squash as probably expected, but it’s pretty great. Christian gets busted open and takes all of Goldberg’s offense and sells his ass off. Jackhammer ends it after a vicious assault.
Match rating - **3/4
Backstage, Ric Flair runs up on Stone Cold Steve Austin. Flair just wants to clear up any confusion - Triple H runs Raw and any decision he has to make—- Hurricane shows up. He says H is the game, but at Judgement Day, Nash is gonna beat his ass. Flair starts screaming so Austin makes Flair vs. Hurricane rIGHT NOW!
4) Ric Flair vs. The Hurricane
“He’s strutting in his underwear!” -Jerry Lawler
Austin rings a verbal bell and they start brawling backstage. Awesome brawl through the curtain and into the stage area. They end up by the announce table and Hurricane ends up on top of Lawler while he’s selling and I think Jerry gets legit pissed. Meanwhile, Flair & Hurricane are in the ring and Flair’s pants rip. His ass is out for a second which is hilarious. Rest of the match is wrestled by Flair in ripped dress pants LMAO. He ends up winning, though via submission with the figure four.
Match rating - **1/2
5) Goldust, Scott Steiner, & Test (w/ Stacy Keibler) vs. La Resistance & Christopher Nowinski
“There’s 41 and a half reasons why King is smiling right now.” -Jim Ross
More comments about Stacy’s leg measurements on commentary. This match is just kind of there. This Steiner/Test feud is garbage. La Resistance sucks and Nowinski can’t do much. Goldust is the saving grace of this, but he isn’t enough to keep it far above water. Steiner gets the pin for his team.
Match rating - *3/4
JR & King preview the Raw matches on Judgement Day then they send it to Michael Cole & Tazz who cover the Smackdown side of things.
6) Victoria (w/ Steven Richards) vs. Trish Stratus (w/ Tommy Dreamer) - Hardcore Match
This is awesome. This stems from Victoria interfering in Trish’s return match for the Women’s Title she lost to Jazz. They make great use of the weapons and work at a steady pace that kept the crowd hot which made every spot work perfectly. Dreamer is at ringside to even the odds and takes care of Richards when he tries to interfere. Trish destroys Victoria’s mid section with multiple kendo stick shots before hitting the Stratusfaction for the victory.
Match rating - ***
7) Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Nash
Jericho makes this good. Something I’ve noticed a lot about his 2003. Which is weird now considering in 2022, he largely makes things bad, but yeah. He carries Goldberg in a few weeks at Bad Blood and here, he carries Nash to a solid TV main event. It ends in a DQ thanks to Triple H interference, but it’s still decent while it lasts.
Match rating - **1/4
The show ends with Michaels making the save during a beatdown on Nash, and Nash gets the last laugh hitting the jack knife on Triple H and poses as we go off air.