June 15th, 2003
Houston, Texas
Intercontinental Champion: Christian (since 5/18/03)
World Tag Team Champions: Rob Van Dam & Kane (3/31/03)
WWE Women's Champion: Jazz (since 4/27/03)
Opening video package is awesome. It recaps how we ended up at H & Nash in Hell in a Cell with Foley as the special ref.
“And believe me, there will be hell unleashed…” -Mick Foley
Commentators - Jim Ross & Jerry “The King” Lawler
“LOOK OUT!” -Jerry Lawler
1) The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray & D-Von) vs. Rodney Mack & Christopher Nowinski (w/ Theodore Long)
“Why is your white brother always telling you to get the tables?” -Chris Nowinski
Mack and D-Von lock up before the bell. It’s awkward and not as cool as shit like that is sometimes, lol. So what a start! Crowd seems hot, this show feels.. cool? Which anything will feel better on the eyes and ears after the atrocity that was Insurrextion a week prior. Anyways. This match really is all about that quote from Nowinski I wrote out at the top of this match review. This is a perfectly fine opener. Good work from everybody. Bubba gets a nice hot tag, there’s a good near fall or two. Teddy gets on the apron and distracts D-Von when Bubba does the “get the tables” spot and it costs them that moment. D-Von goes to swing at Teddy and Rodney nails him from behind and shit goes downhill from here. Bad finish with Nowinski getting the cheap victory over Bubba. Fun match otherwise.
Match rating - **
King & JR replay how all the different contests that will take place in the Redneck Triathlon were determined.
This leads into Terri, backstage, hosting the first event in this.. triathlon between Steve Austin & Eric Bischoff.. a burping contest. This is.. somethin else. These burps are so clearly phoned in.. it’s .. bad lmao. I have to go, y’all.. Austin wins the “contest” for those who care.
2) Test vs. Scott Steiner
“You’ve always been a little voyeuristic.” -Jim Ross
This is undoubtedly going to win Worst Feud of the Year award. Jesus fuck.. END. THIS. SHIT. please. The winner of this gets Stacy’s managerial services so hopefully that means this will mark the end of this. I love, love, LOVE that this begins with Steiner botching the first spot and falling off the apron while going to dive onto Test while his back was turned. Perfect epitome of this entire storyline.. a damn mess. The only time fighting for Stacy’s managerial services was an enjoyable prospect was in the Smackdown vs. Raw video game, lmao. Steiner ends up winning another objectively bad match and Stacy is now his full time manager.
Match rating - *1/4
Bischoff & Austin are backstage walking. They argue about who is a better pie-eater. Bischoff is confident it’s him. Bischoff leads Austin to a room where four women are. Oh man.. Bischoff says since he did such a “fine job picking the pie” he should go first. Austin thinks he should go first because he’s in his home state of Texas. Bischoff thinks he should be a good host and let him go first.. blah blah. Austin says he will let him go first if he gets to pick which flavor of pie he eats.
3) Christian (c) vs. Booker T - Intercontinental Championship Match
Booker T has been the highlight of 2003 by a long shot, yet he is always shit on and given the most terrible booking decisions. After the battle royal mishap at Judgement Day, I said ok maybe they’ll give him a rematch and he will win the title there.. they did and.. he lost. They give him another here.. and it ends in DQ so no title change. This is just dog shit booking, man. Book is so over and SO GOOD and he gets no happy ending.. ever. This has been happening for almost a year. Fuck you, WWE and fuck you, Jerry Lawler. The work is good, so I won’t let this affect my rating too much but god damn.
Match rating - **
Jerry Lawler is the host for the Redneck Triathlon “pie eating contest” .. of course. He introduces Stone Cold and Eric Bischoff for this spectacle. Austin has Bischoff a “mature woman” oh my god. The “mature pie” that Bischoff will be eating is… Mae Young. This.. unfolds.. here’s some quotes for you..
“Mae, make that son of a bitch eat some pie!”
“Oh my god that’s a thong!”
“Mae is wearing the worlds oldest thong..”
Yeah so Mae bared her old ass and shoved it all in Bischoff’s face. Austin acts like he’s gonna “eat some pie” but stuns Mae Young instead. So Austin gets the last laugh, but forfeits this contest. One more event to go later to break the tie.
4) Rob Van Dam & Kane (c) vs. La Resistance (Sylvan Grenier & Rene Dupree) - World Tag Team Title Match
There’s been a lot of issues within the odd ball team of RVD & Kane and it all comes to a head here. Both men get awesome spots in during this, though, but La Resistance catch RVD in a flash pin while Kane is taken out on the floor and are able to dethrone the tag team champions. New champs! This was okay. I could see the RVD/Kane split coming so I figured something like this was gonna happen.
Match rating - **
5) Chris Jericho vs. Goldberg
The build to this was quite good. They highlight it well in the pre-match package and honestly.. I’m kinda excited for this. And rightfully so because this wasn’t the bore it could’ve been. They head to the floor pretty quickly and Goldberg does the overdone spear into the exploding barricade bump, but it’s really good and what’s even better is that the story of the match is built off this with Goldberg’s shoulder as the focal point. And the icing on the cake is that Goldberg sold it magnificently. Even during his comeback run! So yeah, hell yeah. Good match here. Goldberg wins with the jack knife. He even had a little color here!!
Match rating - ***
Backstage, Austin & Bischoff spin the wheel and the next contest in the triathlon is.. a singing contest. Bischoff is confident because he has pipes, apparently.
6) Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair
Shawn and Flair always work awesome together. The build to this has been very good with emotion and betrayal both being at the forefront. Not to mention them stealing the show during the TERRIBLE H/Nash match the week prior to this at Insurrextion. With all that in mind, the stage is set for something good-great-awesome. Yanno atleast ***3/4+ right? Well, if you watch the first 5-8 mins of this, you’d probably say hell yeah because man.. this starts fantastic. Just.. all the great Shawn and Flair stuff. They fuck around with another doing taunts and teases and sly maneuvers out of rest holds and takedowns. Shawn hits some fiery and flashy offense. Flair sees an opening and chop blocks Shawn’s leg from behind and gets to work on his leg. Figure four to wear him down and all. Then.. somewhere along the way we are all reminded that this is 2003. Shawn, the face, decides to bring out a table. And for what reason? I don’t think anyone can explain that one. Randy Orton tries to run in and the camera doesn’t even catch his face for identity so JR and King are confused. Admittedly, the crossbody that Shawn hits from the top turnbuckle to the floor putting Flair through the table was sick. But the fact remains that this match is spiraling down because nothing after this made any sense. Shawn isn’t selling the leg anymore and despite Flair’s awesome selling off the great looking table bump, everything that happens after sucks. Randy Orton runs in and smashes Shawn with a chair while the ref’s back is turned and it allows Flair to crawl over for the cover.. man. Damn. First half of this fucking rocked then they took us down a shitty path. Whatever! 2.5 for the good shit we did get.
Match rating - **1/2
Eric Bischoff is out for the singing contest and tRIES TO LIP SYNC HIS OWN THEME SONG. Austin pops up on the screen and calls him out and makes him actually try to sing it and it’s off time. Austin starts yelling. He spins the wheel again for a bonus round and it’s THE PIG PEN CHALLENGE. First man to throw the other in the pool of pig shit wins. Lord jesus almighty. Austin says heS COMIGN DOWN THERE RIGHT NOW TO THROW BISCHOFF’S SORRY ASS IN THE PIG CRAP. Austin’s music hits and he does just that and celebrates with some beers. Stone Cold has won the Redneck Triathlon and humiliated his co general manager Eric Bischoff multiple times in one night.
7) Triple H (c) vs. Kevin Nash - Hell in A Cell Match for the World Heavyweight Championship Match
This was better than it had any right to be. They do some unique stuff with the stipulation and weapons rather than just recycling old ideas. It comes off plodding at some points, but is a largely a good grudge match that had me invested for the majority of it. Which is something you can’t say for most H or Nash matches, with each other or as individuals. My initial review for this disappeared and I am not re-watching to re-write with more details but yeah. Good main event, H retains.
Match rating - ***1/4
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